why do atheists hate christmas???

I don’t understand why so many atheists actually HATE christmas.  I understand that they have no understanding of what it means to know God, but many of them are so full of hate for those of us that do.

I am totally into religious freedom.  I don’t believe the country was based on GOD or Christianity as many christians do.  Although most of the founding fathers were christians, I believe they wanted a country where everyone was able to believe as they chose.  Our country is so unique in that way; except many of us are not able to belive as we choose without some serious hatred from the sidelines.

It is offensive to me that Christmas is under attack.  It is offensive to me that Home Depot sells Holiday Trees with holiday gifts and holiday decorations.  Bullshit!  It is not holiday trees.  They are Christmas trees.  They started as a CHRISTMAS tradition.  Stockings-Christmas, gifts under the tree-Christmas, toy shops-Christmas, Santa Clause–FREAKING CHRISTMAS, Rudolph the red nose reindeer–CHRISTMAS!!!!   I don’t call a manora a holiday candle holder do I?  No!

I do not want retailers to force their employees to say merry christmas to me if they don;t celebrate.  I don’t mind if they say–have a good day, happy Kwanza, or kiss my ass—what i do mind is when they aren’t ALLOWED to say merry christmas.  What I do mind is that I can’t put a kids drawing of a christmas tree on my workplace website because it could be offensive to someone viewing the website.  What in the hell is offensive about a child choosing to draw a christmas tree with gifts under it?  If any of the children had submitted a drawing of the Holiday Armadillo I would have posted that too. I do mind that I have to take a vacation day from work to spend a FEDERAL HOLIDAY with my family.  Hell yes, I mind that.

I do mind when kids aren’t allowed to wear red/green because they are christmas colors because a parent complained.   I do mind that a FEDERAL HOLIDAY cannot be talked about in schools, on the streets, in “Diverse” workplaces(our workplace is so diverse we can’t mention religion, have crosses in our offices, etc.  that is not promoting diversity, that is hiding the differences in people.) in goverment buildings etc.

What it seems to me is that in an effort to promote freedom to believe as we choose, christians who believe in the birth of Jesus (the day we celebrate his birth) are now having to hide our beliefs to make sure others aren’t offended.  If the atheists have their way, one day soon, I will not be able to wish someone merry christmas in any governement building, in retail establishments, or on the street.  Much like Christians in communist russia were not allowed to celebrate christmas, have portraits of Jesus or go to church.

Read some of the posts from atheists all over the web.  It is sad really that they have no soul and no beliefs and spend so much time hating me because I do.

I respect people for their beliefs, their opinions, their choices—but they have to respect me too.

summary: FUCK The atheists who want to kill my christmas spirit–JESUS rules!

i’m pissed because:  Home Depot has holiday trees on sale and I am boycotting them.

so, who is up for holiday egg hunting this spring?  How about spring egg hunt?  Egg Celebration Day?

Merry Tossmas 2008

I’m totally dead “down there”

I have absolutely no interest in sex, the opposite sex, the same sex, any sex.  seriously.  It is weird.  I have ALWAYS been a little extra frisky in the gettin busy department.  It has been two years and I just don’t care.  I am no longer heartbroken over the big JC loss, but just not interested in putting myself out there at all.   I try, on occasion, to care that I am lonely, but I don’t really care and I am too busy to be lonely.  On occasion, in the middle of an especially wine induced stupor i try to get jiggy with it…and my jiggy just don’t get it.  My jiggy forgot how to jig i think.

That is too bad, because sex and love and lust is so much fun–even alone in my own bed it was fun.  I’m only 36 yrs. old, surely it will all come back to me soon.  Maybe one day soon I will mow down the weeds and dust off the cobwebs and take this sucker out for a spin…it is too hard to concentrate on smelling good and tasting good and looking sexy and finding clean underwear, much less matching underwear and bras.  I don’t know how woman keep it up for so long.

I think it could be my meds.  Since they are mood stabilizers, i cannot go hypo and get crazy loin fever.  I had two “papa don’t preach” babies, so I know what it is like to go crazy fucking some cowboy-boot wearing, pool playing, two-stepping cowboy.  Let me tell you, its kind of fun to go wild and be the most beautiful babe in the room and know that you can have almost any man around.  (mania talking).  It is a definite ego boost and very stimulating.

problem one, i know, is my size 16 ass refuses to melt away.  I don’t care too much about losing weight right now, probably because that leads to new panties and new panties always leads to someone taking them off of me.  As long as i am this fat I know I will never want a man messing around down there.

I think, too, though, that I know what happens to me when I start paying attention to that other person.  I become frantic, concentrating on me and only me, forgetting my kids, forgetting my life, forgetting that I am a mom first.  I don’t want to hurt my kids any more than I have already, so I think my deadness in my nether regions is saving my kids for me and that is a good thing.  I’m only 36 and I have plenty of time to get busy with some other cowboy.  until then, i’m saving so much money on birth control, bikini panties, cinnamon flavored body oil  etc.

Summary:  who needs a chastity belt when you have mood stabilizers and size 16 jeans.

Im pissed because:  The expiration date on my cinnamon flavored body oil is next wednesday.

j

Safe haven law not for you? Try walking in someone else’s shoes.

What would you do if your daughter threw a chair at her teacher and you had to take off work for an entire day and help the school and local police search all over town for her?  Ground her?  Take her to the doctor?  Call the police?  Tie her up?

What would you do if the only doctor that accepts your insurance has a 45-day waiting list, if you come in that day and fill out the paperwork.  Put her in a hospital?  Use a self-pay doctor.  Take her to the emergency room?

What if she has to be care flighted to a hospital after taking an overdose and then the emergency room releases her and tells you that she is not suicidal and they can’t admit her, the mental hospital has to have a referral too and since she isn’t suicidal, only angry,  you have to wait 45 days until you can get in to a doctor.

What do you do the next week when she bites you on the shoulder while you are trying to take her to school?  When she throws a rock at your head?   Kicks her grandfather in the stomach?  Screams that she is going to kill herself and runs out onto the roof of your house?  Call the cops?  Watch them while they take her in handcuffs to a detention center and then call and bring her back home because it is too full and there is no space for another kid.  And, did i mention, the psyche eval says she isn’t really suicidal, just angry (the third evaluation in 2 weeks.)

What do you do when you have tried 5 different medicines and she is still kicking and screaming every day on some meds, but sleeping all day on others.  When she can literally cry for 5 hours straight and then skip around hugging people three hours later?  When she is so up and down and crazy that you can see the crash that is coming and know that one wrong word will set her off and that everyone in the house has to walk a fine line to keep it from setting her off—and everyone you live with believes that mental illness is just another word for spoiled daughter and lazy mother.

What do you do when you have no ideas left, when you are mentally and emotionally exhausted, when the police and probation officers have no place to put her when she breaks probation, when your seven year old has bad dreams about being thrown off the balcony?

Do you drive your kid the 1000 miles to Nebraska and let someone else take over for awhile?  Do you let others convince you that it is all your fault and you should let someone else try?  Do you send her to her dads and let him leave her in his house alone all day and let her do anything she wants?

You just get up another day and do it.  You try to get her out of bed without a fight, you ignore the cussing, you learn when and when not to push it, you keep your other child away when it isn’t safe and teach her to learn to read her moods.  You don’t take a happy moment for granted.  You watch her swallow her meds everyday and listen to the school complain about sleeping in class, while you remember the alternatives.  Then, you pray for another good day–until there is a set back.  Then, when there is a set back, enough of a set back that the probation officer steps in to do something…you sigh a sigh of relief for a few days because for just a little while you get to live a slightly normal life.

Savannah says i want her to go away, that i enjoy it, is she right?  No,  i don’t want that! i don’t!  i want a daughter who isn’t on probation, who didn’t hold her sister up over the balcony, who doesn’t steal cigarettes and get caught with them at school.  I want a daughter who is happy, who has friends, who can stay out past 8 pm, who brushes her teeth and has a boyfriend and isn’t so sad all the time and doesn’t have scars all over her arms. I don’t have that daughter, but I love the daughter i do have very much.

This safe-haven law in Nebraska is a wake up call to America.  Something has to be done to help these kids.  Maybe a lot of it is the parents fault that these kids are not disciplined enough or aren’t getting the help they need, i know I am guilty of that for sure.  But, a lot of this is society, the mental health and health care industries, the juvenile justice system and children’s services systems.  I can see how difficult it is for them.

It takes a village to raise a child.  As a nation it is our responsibility to figure out a way to help these parents who can’t do it alone.  You may be awesome at raising your perfect child, but don’t judge others until you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

So, tell me, what would you do? I’m open to more ideas.

Summary:  Some days i wish my parents would drop me off at a hospital in Nebraska

I’m pissed because:  I’m too sad to be mad.

http://www.theinformationparadox.com/

http://anyonecare.wordpress.com/2008/09/27/abortion-of-older-children-teens-too/

Write love on your arm…

I just found this organization and tomorrow is the day. Write love on your arm to show support and to let others know that cutting, self-harm, suicide and depression are treatable.

Savannah has been cutting for 2 years and burning herself with cigarettes about 6 months. i don’t understand the release it brings her, but it does do something for her, helps her cope in some way, helps her control her anger, etc. so many other kids do it–even AJ did some too. It is so sad to see all this destruction and self hate in these kids. Go to www.twloha.com to learn more.

clipped from www.twloha.com To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide.  TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. The vision is that we actually believe these things… You were created to love and be loved.  You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story.  You need to know that your life matters. clipped from worshipcity.wordpress.com November 13th is the 2nd Annual To Write Love on Her Arms Day. It’s simple, write LOVE on your arm tomorrow and hopefully encourage someone who may be handling a tough situation.

LOST!!!

The best thing about winter (perhaps the only good thing) is, of course, LOST!  I can’t wait.  This video of Sawyer is awesome, i wish i was on a desert island with him.  There has always been much discussion over Sawyer or Jack.  There is no freaking contest.  SAWYER all the way.  I love grungy looking, funny, sarcastic men.  My love of this type of man is the obvious reason for the string of broken relationships with total assholes, but most of them were pretty damn hot in a Sawyer way.  Of course, alot of the reason for my failed broken relationships is because i am a freak and go crazy crazy crazy when i am in love and then get sad sad sad when i break up and then get obsessed obsessed obsessed (obsessed) when i can’t get over it.  so I think much of the problem is me and i would have that problem even if i were dating someone like Jack.

(this is no way takes away the sentence about the men being assholes)

summary:  winter sucks unless you live on a desert island with sawyer.  I have an incurable urge to date and then attempt to murder assholes, this has interfered with possibilities of future reunions with said assholes, so that is a good thing.

i’m pissed off because:  i’m not cute like freckles

my bathroom is disgusting. photos coming soon.

Today is my day off, actually today and tomorrow are my days off and I have SO MUCH TO DO!  I have been working tirelessly (for about 25 minutes) folding clothes and sorting clothes from Savannah’s room…then, i decided to check out regis and kelly for a few minutes, boom i am on the computer and now, notta–if i start this now i won’t get up until it is time to pick up the girls and then be pissed off all night that i didn’t do anything.

I seriously want to take pictures of my filthy house to post online.  My bathroom is horrible, no bugs crawling around or anything, but the trash (a target bag) is overflowing, there are old coffee cups in one sink and the other sink is full of makeup and face cleaning supplies.  there is toothpaste all over the edge of a sink and hair everywhere!!!  also, a box of tampons spilling out of the floor on one side of the toilet and potting soil on the other side from when marley the mutt jumped on the back of the toilet to escape from a flea bath—THREE WEEKS AGO!  yes, i haven’t cleaned up dirt from my bathroom floor in three weeks.  Also, since Kati has encopresis (sever, extreme constipation and difficulty going to the bathroom) so, we keep all of her used panties in a basket in the bathroom for washing on the weekends–that is a five step process to get those suckers clean—but still, i haven’t washed them in two weeks so it is starting to get pretty stinky in there too. the toilet bowl?  well, we live out in the coutnry with a well and lots of minerals so there are some serious stains going on in there, but not groce stuff—just mineral stains.

so that is my bathroom. I am a mess, a wreck, a disaster of laziness and being completely overwhelmed and trying my best to stay so busy in the outside world that i don’t have time to see how my inner world is so fucked up.  Like why i am 40 pounds overweight, and i have no desire to get naked in front of myself much less  man and my daughter just spent a week in jail and my other daughter can’t have friends over because our bathroom is so filthy and because i am scared Savannah will have a screaming cussing fit in front of some 7 year old little girl.

so today i am pissed off at my bathroom.  That seems like the appropriate object of contempt right now!

summary: I’m too embarrassed of my filthy house to hire someone to clean it.

my dickhead brother

Savannah came home today and of course was all manicky not only because she was happy to get out of jail, but also because the fucking idiots at the detention center forgot to give her her medicine last night–even after i spoke to the commander last week.

so anyway, she comes home all happy and hugging everyone and of course jason wouldn’t hug her; he said she was a dumbass and he wouldn’t hug her.  I know i sound like a 10 year old, but he is a fucking fat asshole.

seriously, he is 32 years old; lives on the couch downstairs and has done nothing but play video games for the last 3 months before my parents finally made him get a job.  now, he has decided he wants to take over savannah’s room upstairs so now Kati has to move all of her toys back into my room so savannah can have that room and we have to put up with him up here.  He weighs 350 pounds and sits around talking about what a wonderful football player he was in highschool and how many fine girlfriends he had.  Key word–HAD.

Savannah comes upstairs crying calling him a dickhead and all i can say is “calm down” when what i want to do is grab my coffee mug and throw it downstairs on his fucking head…and in my head i am thinking dickhead dickhead dickhead…

Savannah is happy to be home, but i am worried she will have a bad day at school again tomorrow.  she doesn’t take responsibility for her actions; instead blaming the school for telling on her, her probation officer for arresting her, me for allowing it and the judge for making her stay a week…not herself because she wouldn’t follow school rules, or herself for getting put on probation in the first place.  until she learns that it is her fault she will never ever learn.

she is holding me hostage everyday until she turns 18.  i am a prisoner of her hatefulness, mania, depression, violence, hostility, etc.  It has been two years already since her first major bipolar outburst and we still haven’t made it very far–and i think we have a much further way to go.

i’m really tired and really sad.

Weeds….the tv show.

i love weeds.  i have always loved mary louise parker–is she gay, i can’t remember—not that there is anything wrong with that.–   any way, when i first started watching it on netflix instant movies (I LOVE THIS FEATURE OF NETFLIX) I thought she was so cool…she was trying so hard to be a good mom and provide for her kids and struggle through being a mom and her husbands death and all that comes with it…

then, oh my god, she is crazy!  the pot thing–well, that is the premise of the show and i love a good smoke every once in awhile–it has been awhile since it makes me crazy paranoid and weepy–but she just got so fucked up with it so soon.  why couldn’t she just sell to doug and the bitches husband-elizabeth perkins.

her kids became second to her materialism really quickly.  she couldn’t give up a few things like a normal woman would when they become a single mom, oh no, she keeps the maid, keeps the house in the suburbs, and stops being present with her kids.

that sucks.  but i still love that show.  i love the way she fucks up every episode.  i love the way she gets fucked once in awhile—i live vicariously through her sex and danger.  i wish i was her friend–that woman really needs a good friend.  when i think of myself as a bad mom, i can watch weeds and know i am not really that screwed up.  my teenage son is NOT selling my weed to make money for the family.  my seven year old is not coming downstairs in the middle of the night to find herself alone.

but, i still wish i was her friend and i could ride around with her and maybe meet the dude–the black due–damn he is hot.  i would have fucked him up and down the wall a LONG time ago. (it’s been two years)

summary:  mary louise parker-gay?? pot dealer, not present with kids

elizabeth perkins–bitch

black guy–hot

teenager–fucked

little boy—sad.

me—kinda jealous, but really usually relieved that i am not the worst mom out there.

sex—been two years

pot—reminds me it has been two years

Netflix–very cool

I’m pissed because: my son refuses to sell pot to help out the family. 

she’s coming home tomorrow

Savannah’s probation officer called and she plans to release her tomorrow. I visited her on Sunday and she sounded and looked good; sounded positive and like she understood that she had to change. Lisa said the same thing. Will it work this time? Who knows how long she will stay on track.

I have to start building her self-esteem, but i don’tknow how. She is so smart–why won’t she do better in school? What can we do for her to help her finish her school work and pass all of her classes? Threats don’t work, obviously; bribes don’t really work either because once she has recieved the promised thing, she goes back to normal the very next day. I can’t continually give her something for work that is expected—that can’t be building selfesteem.

I don’t know what to do for her. My boss suggested I put her in charge of something. we do the march of dimes walk every year; maybe if i put her in charge of building our webpage, blogging and finding donors she would like that (i doubt it).

She is so beautiful when she tries. When she cut her hair last year so short it really affected her self esteem even more. Now, it continaully looks like shit and so she feels that nothing she does will detract from that.
when she tries to look nice she does. When she tries to be happy she is. When she tries to be good, she is wonderful.

I want to cry for her everytime i think about what kind of life she has had over the last few years.
She looks up to AJ so much, she can’t be normal because he is so abnormal and she wants to be just like him.

Todd is no help at all with them; he hasnt called since I told him she was in. he didn’t even ask if he could call her or anything. he hasn’t called or talked to AJ in months. How could i have ever thought he was a decent man? How stupid i was.

CARE about Prematurity

http://www.care.org/getinvolved/girleffect/

This is an extremely cool video about the power of girls and women.